Brienne of Tarth

I've recently embarked on the epic journey that is reading the A Song of Ice and Fire series by George R R Martin. On my fourth book so it's not going too badly. One thing keeps making me chuckle though is that Brienne of Tarth - in my mind- is pretty much Miranda Hart, but blonde.

For those of you who might not be familiar with Miranda, she is a freakishly tall woman of the comical televisual persuasion. Here is a picture of her looking like a giant:

What worries me even more is that Brienne 'Miranda' of Tarth appears to be a midwife in east London during the 1950s...

This confuses me. The one on the far left looks nothing like jaime...

Bitches be crazy

Before I attempt to edit my blog, I wish to share with you all my lesson of the day: women are fucking insane.

Seriously. I know I'm one of them myself, subject to my crazy moments, however, the rest of them are just batshitting mental and needy to boot.

That's all. Enjoy the rest of your week.

Animals doing weird things (no kittens)

My garden appears to be a haven for weird animal activity. Today I found a sunbathing Mouse on my shed roof.



Then there was a storm a few weeks ago and birds were lining up in a row on the houses opposite. It was like a scene from The Birds.


Another weird bird activity occurred earlier this year where they were all lurking in a tree. I mean, can you imagine? Birds, IN A TREE?


Oh, and the time I was targeted by a duck whilst in the car. I'm lucky to be alive really.



Perhaps the mouse on my shed roof was the bird version of a horse head in the bed. I just don't know any more. If I suddenly disappear you'll know why.

New albums I WANT NOW

September has two gems being released that I would very much like in my possession right now.

Numero uno is Laura Marling's A Creature I Don't Know, being released this monday (12th Sept). Saw her once on the tube - central line - on my way to work. Cheered me right up! Anyway, I love her previous two albums so I'm hoping this one is equally as good, if not better. Here is the latest single 'Sophia'.



Also coming out with their third album is Duke Spirit (who I have definitely declared love for previously)with Bruiser. Just found this out thanks to 6Music. Here is 'Surrender'



Let me know if you like, hate or are fairly indifferent to any of the above. Or not. I'm genuinely not that fussed, but it would give me something to look at besides the theatre review i'm trying to edit.

Halloween (1978)

I’m only, oh, 33 years late in watching the horror film Halloween but it came free with a newspaper and I’m unemployed so I thought I would give it a go. In fairness, I was only born 23 years ago so I’m not entirely to blame.

Firstly, may I mention I am amazing at picking out which person is going to die first? Initially I was stumped seeing as there isn’t a black person in sight (thus removing the classic target for old school horror films) but then I spotted the lady with the perm. BINGO. I was sure she would die first. No one who has that on top of their head will be allowed to live, surely.

And I was right, because I always am. She was strangled then had her throat cut in the car.

My amazing psychic skills aside, there were a few questionable moments in the film, namely the opening first-person perspective. Terrible. I don’t think I can say much more about this point. Simply awful. Bleurgh.

There is another part in which we find Myers (the evil stabby man) standing outside the school, donning his navy jumpsuit and mask, probably holding his knife too (I couldn’t see), and no body notices! I know it’s supposed to be Halloween but when some creepy man is peeking through the fence watching a group of young boys during the school day, you’d hope someone would notice.

At one point I started to drift a little, thinking about how shit it would be if this was filmed in Britain. Weird man in my kitchen? Yeah, I know, because I’m in my sitting room and I can see you, you weirdo, because there’s only 3 rooms in this flat. No surprises or building of tension for me, thank you very much.

Anyway back to the film. I enjoyed the lack of gore. I hate these stupid films that think splattering a load of blood everywhere or putting in a load of jumpy moments are what constitute to a scary film. It really doesn’t. I want a super creepy story that will freak me out when I turn out the lights at night. Granted I didn’t find Halloween scary, but I appreciated that it made me want to shout ‘RUN YOU STUPID GIRL’ as he slowly crept up behind her. I was also watching it during the day with a cup of tea, which surely didn’t help.

Only problem now is that I don’t have the second film on free-DVD, so I will never know what absurd plot they conjured up for the sequel. *LOUD SIGH*

The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake by Aimee Bender

The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake charts the journey of a young girl called Rose who, one day, bites into her mother's lemon cake, only to find that it tastes like all the emotions her mother is feeling. She soon discovers that in whatever she eats she can taste the emotions of the maker of the food.

Turns out, this book is a bit crap. In fact, The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake is proof that buying books solely because the author's surname is Bender is not a very good idea, albeit funny at the time.

This Zombie Apocalypse is sponsored by...The Zutons?

You heard me. I was sitting on my lonesome on the tube last night, listening to Who Killed ...... The Zutons? and it just occurred to me that if I were to ever be involved in a Scooby-doo-esque Silent Zombie Film montage, then this would be the Soundtrack for the entire piece.

Still a little confused? Let me elaborate.



So it begins, as all zombie films do, with an awesome intro sequence. It's track number 1, Zuton Fever, to start us off. I won't be bothered with intricate plot, with the protagonist undergoing some sort of stale existence where they have trouble with their partner. Instead I will have a quick Scooby-Doo style introduction with me and a few friends, featuring a summary of how the Zombie takeover began. It's sort of like the London riots but with less twitter, more blood.

After the delight of a bloody amazing, yet amusing introduction where the world is starting to be corrupted, Pressure Point will play. At this point I'm on my roof, checking out the local area, shitting a brick over potential me-killing zombies. It's a tense scene.

You Will You Won't is when things get serious. My pal, who wasn't on the roof (more fool him) and inexplicably in the garden, will have had a small chunk of his arm ripped off by a zombie. This is where I need to make the decision to lob his head off with a machete or not. As it's in the UK we decide that a machete isn't appropriate because we don't have one. Nor do we have guns. It's the Uk - it's not like every house has a gun.

Anyway, the result is a dead friend and one single tear that rolls down my cheek. It's all incredibly dramatic. At this point Confusion plays. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO POOR GINGER PATRICK!? We mourn.

It’s not long before we realise that the area we are in isn't safe, so Havana Gang Brawl kicks in as we step about into the zombie infested world, risking our lives to break out of the city. I’m thinking it’s nice in Surrey, I live in west London, so that’s where I would go. Cue zombie killing montage alongside some quality strolling. I’m thinking that we steal some bikes and cycle there along the M1.


Once past the creepy London zombies, we reach a quiet little surrey house. Railroad plays as we settle in.

But OH NO! After a perusal of the house we realise there is a severe lack of tea (Long Time Coming) so a couple of us head out. It may be a zombie apocalypse but a lack of tea is, frankly, unacceptable.

Nightmare, Pt 2. We skulk around the local area looking for tea. A zombie sees us! As we are in Surrey the zombie can only be an elderly middle class woman. She was killed on her way back from Waitrose. We kill the bitch, take her shopping (for some reason she still had it on her. It’s also full of tea) and head back.

Not a Lot To Do. We drink tea.

Remember Me. We reminisce about the good times, and poor ginger Patrick. Another friend of ours pops in. Hi Mark! He sensed we would go to Surrey so thought he would find us, pop in, and say hi. How sweet of him. He brings us biscuits for the tea. Good times.

We try to get some sleep after such a pleasant evening. Naturally, there is a zombie attack. Dirty Dance Hall is our survival song as we attempt to rekill anything deceased in sight. It’s no use though. There are far too many of them so, as poor Richard is eaten alive (Sorry Rich, you were too gung-ho) we run like bitches, again.



Ironically cheerful Moons and Horrors Show starts once we’ve escaped. We are emotional wrecks. We sob/ rock back and forth/ try to recover. Lucky to be alive, we are shattered, aching all over. With so many bruises and cuts I fail to realize I’ve been bitten just a little bit on the leg. In the middle of the night I go full on zombie…

Then it's the end. The last track on the album, Don’t Ever Think (Too Much), is the 'I'm mauling my friends as they sleep' song. It's not all bad though. The mauling is shortly followed by a happy zombie montage. May include skipping, if zombies can skip. Can zombies skip? If not, at least some happy but mindless shuffling.

Rise of the Apes

I've shortened the title from Rise of the Planet of the Apes because it's far too long and I refuse to have such nonsense of my blog. I'm literally just back from the cinema and so, here is a mini review of Rise of the Apes.



[Please note: not James Franco. Sadly the plot isn't that he gradually turns into an ape and decides to take over the world, because he can. Now that is a good film plot!]

Plot summary: Apes get angry, apes get the smarts, apes go bat shit crazy and take over everything. Standard.

I was a little freaked out by the huge CGI fest that was going on in the film. Not that I wish they had used real apes, but I'm starting to tire of films that rely so heavily on special effects. Saying that, they were pretty good. I expect there is a documentary out there about how it was made. I don't plan on watching it but hey, if that floats your boat, break loose, I'm sure it will be quite exciting.

Tom Felton was in it (The bleach blonde one from Harry Potter) doing an annoying American accent. If you want someone american sounding, just get an American. This isn't exactly a career defining film for him, especially as he is fulfilling his typecasting potential by being an evil bastard in Rise of the Apes.

Besides all that, twas an alright film. I wouldn't necessarily recommend it as something you need to see urgently, or specifically at the cinema, but if it was on the telly I wouldn't say no.

I am trying to think of a part that I really enjoyed... James Franco was hot.

Bugger

No, this isn't a filthy post, but a classic case of 'bugger, I've fucked up my blog'. If any of you have popped onto the bacon saving world recently you may have noticed a severe lack of pictures. WELL this is utterly my fault and I will eventually get around to fixing it but in the meantime have a puppy.



Now isn't that just the darn cutest thing you ever did saw? *turns to mush*

Hello thar!

Well, hello!

I must apologise for my extended vacation from my blog. It turns out certain jobs are actually rather time consuming (who would've thought?!) so I had barely any time to sleep let alone gather the mental energy to write anything. Now, however, I'm back on the unemployment train – choo choo – so here is a quick summary of the past 2 months:

First of all, I've lived in a constant state of 'YEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY' thanks to my newly discovered love of iced coffee with vanilla shots.

Picture courtesy of www.theoatmeal.com

I went to Germany and was accosted by random Germans (see below) I learnt that you don't need to know much German, but could get by with pointing at what you want and looking adorable. The large German women did not appreciate this, despite the well known fact that people love it when you go to their country and make no effort whatsoever to learn their language.



Also, when in Germany, I learnt that the world is a better place when beer cost less than water. More importantly, when ordering shots the one with the funny name (in this case ‘wet pussy’) is guaranteed to taste of hell.



I re-watched He's Just Not That Into You thinking that it might have magically improved with time and considerably lower expectations. This lead to the discovery that the film wasn't AS bad as I remembered but was still utter wank. Justin Long YOU BETRAYED ME!

I drank an awful lot of tea, naturally, but happened to discover that drinking tea from my Royal Wedding mug makes me feel super British as well as evoking a sudden urge to eat scones.

lol

[On a side note, I’m still undecided on which of these two theories is correct:

Number one - that ol’ queeny is immortal and is toying with Prince Charles, making him believe he will one day be king. She will not only outlive him and bring on the apocalypse when everyone realises she is immortal. Crazy super-Christians in America will rejoice that their prophecy finally came true.

Or number two - that she has somehow figured out how to hold off death, perhaps through the selling of her soul, and will continue to live until she beats Queen Victoria as the longest reigning reigner, then tactfully kick the bucket before we can accuse her of anything evil. Once again Prince Charles won't be king.

Any thoughts?]

This album is all sorts of awesome.



Glee has gone down the shitter. They have the audacity to include original songs; songs that don't even sample other songs. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?! I still love Rachel though, even if they are trying to ruin her character by making her cry all the time whilst she sings/ love Finn despite him being a fool, a damned fool!



I'm sure I learnt/ done more things but I did have a lot of caffeine... I'm going to go and watch Buffy now. Byes

I hate the Shard

The shard is becoming more and more visable everytime I venture into central London. Everywhere I go, BAM, it's there. ARGH!

At the moment this is what it looks like:



And this is the imagined final result:



Who thought this was a good idea? The shard is repulsive. Even typing about it is making me pull a face. I want to just snap it off and bin it.

It's annoying that this childish attitude of 'mine is bigger than yours, HA!' will leave a mark on what was a beautiful skyline.

Renzo Piano you should be ashamed of yourself, you cock.

Happy Easter everyone!

Never Let Me Go

Taking a break from the mammoth book The Wind-up Bird Chronicles, because commuting with that fat bastard was hurting my shoulder, I picked the delightfully short Never Let Me Go by Kazuro Ishiguro as it had been recommended by a couple of friends/ since the film’s release earlier this year it has been flogged in every book shop and I’m incredibly susceptible to advertising.

Going by the trailers for the film I had made a few assumptions and discovered part of the plot for Never Let Me Go. I gathered that it was some sort of dystopian, sci-fi novel and that turned out to be true. Sadly, I wasn’t too surprised by the minor twist but I can hardly blame the book for that!

It’s also advertised as an epic love story which, for me, it wasn’t. Whilst I enjoyed Ishiguro’s style of writing I never felt a great deal of sympathy for the characters. Tommy and Kathy are amiable but I didn’t care much about their story. I never felt any strong dislike for any characters either; a great disappointment as I’d been warned that Ruth is a right bitch.

Ignoring my negativity, it was an enjoyable book that made the 40 minute commute to work a bit easier. A casual read which is better when you don’t have any expectations going in to read it.

Miss Tina's email

A few days ago I was checking the marketing emails for the company I work for and this email comes through:

Hi Dear,
l am miss Tina, i saw your profile today and i was much feelings over it,please i will like us to hold a good relationship with a real love,I m happy to look at your profile today ,you sound so gentle to me that was the reason why i felt very much interested in you,contact me personal with my private box (odily_t@yahoo.com.sg) for more introduction also i will send my pictures to you so we can know more about each other,i will be happy to see your mail my dear,age or color even distance can not deny any genuine love,so please lets give our self a trial,thanks till i hear from you
miss Tina

Naturally I have no intention of following up on this proposition, especially the 'contact me personal with my private box' part (HOW?!?). Instead I instantly thought of all you guys - in a good way - to share the love of miss tina.

Discovery Thursday

Things that happened today that have both amused and educated me:

Number one. The more graceful your leap to get on the tube when the doors are closing, the funnier it is for others to watch when you fail. Lols at the skinny Asian guy on the Northern Line who got smacked in the face with a sliding door.

Two. The 'Sorry you are leaving' cards section is dire wherever you go.

Three. My hairdresser is scissor-happy. I now look like a teenage boy with boobs.

Four. Don't wear a knitted jumper to get your hair cut.

Five. When on the phone in Clintons, looking for a card, do not shout down the phone 'OH MY GOD I’M SO ITCHY'. Whilst my friend on the phone knew that I was referring to the little hairs that got everywhere due to my haircut, the lady giggling to herself next to me undoubtedly made a dirty joke.

Six. Smoked salmon and cream cheese bagels are fucking immense.

Seven. Checking receipts makes me angry: I found out that on a coffee costing £2.40, I was charged 30p service charge. The real cheek of it was that I took my cup back up to the counter (before I had paid). THAT WAS HALF THE SERVICE.

Eight. Ice cream vans still parole the streets in March despite the weather being +1 today with a biting wind of –3 (according to the bbc).

Nine. Children still buy ice cream from ice cream vans that parole the streets in March despite the weather being +1 today with a biting wind of –3.

Ten. Don't trust bunny men that lurk outside tube stations asking for money. Especially pink bunnies…

What a lovely day for a spontatneous picture

It's been a while, so how have you all been?

That's great, more about me now.

I've moved on from unemployment to partial employment, otherwise known as the 'we-only-pay-expenses' internship, so I've been kept busy over the past few weeks. To lure you all back to my blog once again I've drawn a delightful picture.

Ok, so I might be exaggerating when I say I drew it for you guys. Really it's part of my work for The Honourable Society of Faster Craftswomen (check them out on fb: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/TheHSFC ) where I write alongside another under the name 'Honour Crafts'. Sort of a company representative but fun, so feel free to add her if you like.

Anyway here is the picture. Hope you enjoy!